


The Things You Said

by deansbrave



Series: Garbage Barge [4]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, F/M, i'll be tagging as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-24 07:30:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4910620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deansbrave/pseuds/deansbrave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was always so much to say, and so much that went unsaid, and things that just weren't said right, or not at all</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When you were drunk

She was drunk again. She was always drunk.  When she wasn’t busy with troops, or writing reports, she was drinking.  It had become her crutch much like lyrium had once been his.  And she was sinking deeper, and deeper into the drink. Long ago she was a different person.  Her eyes had once been bright and full of life; now there were heavy bag under her eyes, the kohl she wore smudged, and the dull glassy look of someone who had had too much whiskey had taken place.

 

Her lips curled in a smirk when she saw him standing there, staring at her.  

 

“Rutherford.” The way his name fell from her lips was wrong.  This version of her was wrong, everything was wrong.  She was better than this.

 

“Cousland.” He nodded taking the seat beside her.  She had taken a table in the back of the Herald’s Rest for herself.  There had been another seat at the table like she had been expecting someone.  Maybe it was him she was expecting, but he couldn’t know.  Half the time he didn’t understand what it was that drove her, or the thoughts that went on in her head.  She was a mystery to him.

 

“What can I do for you tonight Commander?” She asked as she grabbed the half empty bottle of whiskey.  Her hand shook as she poured herself another glass.

 

“How much have you had to drink tonight.”

 

Almost immediately her eyes snapped to his in an accusing glare.  “Fuck off Rutherford.”

 

“Falin-”

 

“You of all people are not giving me a lecture about addictions, and vices!” She hissed.  It took a moment for the words she said to process in her mind, but once they had, and once she saw the look of hurt on Cullen’s face she regretted them.

 

“Cullen no-”

 

“Good evening Commander Cousland.” He said, and got up from the table, leaving before Cousland could find the words to say.  

 

“Fuck!” She hissed to herself pressing the palms of her hand to each of her eyes as she rested her elbows on the table.  After a moment she leaned back against her seat, and looked around the tavern.  She signalled for the serving girl; she needed something stronger.

 


	2. When You Were Asleep

He traced his fingertips over the expanse of her back.  The pale flesh was soft under his hand, but it was marred by scars; looking at them was like reading all the stories of every time she had survived.

 

Cullen leaned over her naked form pressing his lips to her shoulder lingering there to breathe in the scent of her skin as she slept.

 

He had never felt so consumed by something, someone until he had found her.  He realized only now what he had felt for that mage so long ago in Kinloch had been a childish notion at best.

 

It was only now with everything to lose that he knew what it felt like to be truly devoted to someone; he finally knew how it felt to want to give your life for the sake of someone else.

 

And that was why she was here in his arms, in his bed.  Because someone else had loved this woman so truly, so deeply that he wanted nothing more than for her to live on.  So strong had been his love, and his desire to protect her.

 

And now he finally understood.  But he could never say it out loud.  It was the last thing she wanted to hear.  But she was asleep, and she wouldn't hear him so in the late hours when it was harder for her to dismiss his words he finally was able to say all he wanted to say.

 

Trailing his lips down her arm, his fingers lacing in hers he finally said it.

 

_"Maker's Breath I love you."_

 

Cullen barely had time to react as she wrenched herself away from him, eyes wide open.

 

She hadn't been asleep.

 

 


	3. That I Wish You Hadn't

 Why didn't he ever understand? She couldn't give him more.  She wasn't able to give more.   Not when she had nothing left to give.  Not when losing the love of her life had meant losing every last piece of herself.  She wanted to love again.  But she wasn't sure if she could.

 

I love you, he had said.

 

I don't know how to love anymore, she had replied.  

 

But he had just smiled in that kind way of his.  He had taken her hands in his, and told her, promised her, that it would be alright. 

 

As long as they were together, he had said, everything would be alright. 

 

But she didn't believe it.  Every time someone ever said something like that to her she lost them.

 

She wished he hadn't said those three words.  Those three words no longer meant the same thing to her as they did to him.

 

To her I love you meant: I will give everything for you.  I will destroy myself for you. I will leave a hole in your chest, and you will forgive me.

 

But mostly I love you meant I will leave you.

 

She wished he hadn't said those three little words.  Those eight syllables that meant nothing but pain.


	4. Over the Phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A modern au bit

There was too much distance between them Cullen thought.  Physically and emotionally.  Falin was a messed up, broken woman but Maker he loved her for who she was.  And he wanted to be with her for a long time to come.

 

But he could never be sure that was what she wanted.  Every time he tried to bring it up with her she shut him down.

 

So here he was in Denerim staring at his phone while she was all the way in Orlais on Warden business.  It wasn't fair.

 

He finally reached for his phone deciding enough was enough.  He needed to say it, and she needed to know he meant it.

 

He waited as the phone rang, and rang waiting for her to pick up. 

 

"Cullen." Her voice finally sounded in his ear.  She sounded tired, like she had been sleeping, or not sleeping at all.

 

"Falin I..."

 

"What Cullen? It's two in the morning here" She snapped, but there was no fire in her voice. 

 

"We need to talk."

 

"Can it wait till I'm back I  Ferelden? I promise we'll talk all you want when I get back."

 

"it can't wait I need to say it now."

 

Falin sighed.  "Fine Cullen, but make it quick." 

 

"I want to be with you Falin."

 

"... are you seriously still upset that I didn't bring you with? I told you I couldn't!  It's warden business fuck I'm not even supposed to be talking to anyone outside of the compound right now!"

 

"No that's not it.  I mean that I want to be with you.  I want to be in your life,  I want you to just let me in!" Cullen breathed deeply then.  It felt amazing to finally have that off his chest.  

But the silence from Falin's end was killing him.  He just wanted her to say something.

 

"Is that really what you want?" Falin asked quietly. 

 

"Yes.  It is.  And I'm willing to wait for you."

 

"You're going to be waiting a long time then Cullen." 

 

And then the line went dead.


End file.
